Jokes, Poetry, Etc.

I believe that life can be full of so many things...passion, harshness, sweetness, despair.

The most important thing is how we choose to deal with whatever life throws our way. Because ultimately everything we do is a choice that we must make.

"To sanity. May it never be too close for comfort!"

"Do not stare at a dream. For those whose minds would may lie as though in a dead sleep."

"Kiss me softly with lips so sweet. Honey flows with merely a touch. And love, everlasting, shall be found in that gentle embrace."

"Tragic in words not in mind.

A soul with unending termoil.

A truth with no belief in heart.

Chancing to be caught,

Underneath the lamp posts in the dark.

Walking slowly and silently

Towards the river's edge.

Step into the water.

Float with the waves and tide.

Keep your head high.

Tomorrow is salvation,

From today's sin."

"Beauty may wear few faces. But true genius comes in many forms."

"You will never know true happiness until you are willing to trust unconditionally."

"I'm terrible at remembering jokes on the spur of the moment. Lines...no problem. Faces...sure. Names...most times. Jokes...forget it!" - Beverly Wright

This is one of my favorite jokes. You have to read it very slowly and pay attention to the first two judges.

Texas Chili Taster

Notes from an inexperienced Seattle chili taster named Frank who was visiting Texas:

Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So, I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 -- Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 - Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 -- Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 -- Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 - A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 -- Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 -- Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 -- Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic Superb.
Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 -- Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 -- Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

Canadian Stamina

Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear.

Canadians swim in the lakes.

Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats.

Californians shiver uncontrollably under duvets.

Canadians plant gardens.

Philadelphia landlords finally turn the heat on.

Canadians wash their cars in their driveways.

Canadians drive with the windows down.

Italian and English cars won't start.

Canadians throw on flannel shirts.

Californians fly away to Mexico.

Canadians get out their winter coats.

Canadians are still barbequing in their back yards.

Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.

Canadians kids go trick-or-treating with costumes over snowsuits.

Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

Cows in Canada complain about farmers with cold hands.

Mt. St. Helen's freezes.

Canadians rent videos and stay in for the evening.

Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.

Canadians get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.

ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale).

People in Canada start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

The Americans win a gold medal in hockey.

Real Men Test

Note: Although this is test for men only and all "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Women will also benefit by reviewing them so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, (but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear.

9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land
when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

Here's another joke for those who partake of the odd beverage. These are things that are difficult to say.

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Specificity
"Cogito ergo sum."
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible to Say When You're Drunk:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me!
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening, Officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing!

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