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Monday, 26 July 2004
Okay...take a pill or something
Now that I've thoroughly depressed everyone with my last posting (I'm sure that it sounded as if I was on a really bad acid trip or something), on to "cheerier" things.
I am terrified of being caught in a tornado. The fact that I live in a trailer MIGHT have something to do with that. And to those who might be entertaining trailer trash comments, I don't think so.
Used to be that tornadoes in Alberta occurred once every 50 years. Now they happen all the time. My ex and I rented an acreage that had been hit during the 1988 tornado. Took out a ton of trees, a barn and half the roof off the house.
But, I'm all prepared. I've got all of my stuff packed in the car. Not that a car would be a safe haven, either. It's just better than being in a tornado magnet (aka: trailer). I've got it packed with a portable tv, water, non-perishable food (crackers and chips), a blanket and pillow, as well as things like first aid supplies and stuff for my dog.
We've been hit with some really wicked storms lately. All of which have been good breeding grounds for tornadoes.
Okay. I'm paranoid. But with my luck, my place would be the only one hit. And, amazingly enough, I would probably be inside at the time but not be hurt.
Sometimes I think that there's some weird sort of voodoo curse that's been cast over me and my family. Things will happen. It'll just be bad enough to really PISS you off, but not terrible enough to be disasterous.
Maybe I'm karmically challenged. In some former life I was probably an executioner or something and must now pay the price for the next millenium. With that price comes a life where every decision is met with incredibly moronic results.
I know. It sounds like I'm about a half a second away from being one of those weirdos who stand on the street with a sandwich board strapped to their chests that say, "The End Is Near". Well, maybe not that far gone at least. Although, if one day I show up at work and start to run naked through the building with a baton in one hand and a dead chicken in the other, I think someone will know that my cheese has finally slipped off the cracker.
But there's something to be said for a little insanity now and again. Some of the best things happen when we throw caution to the wind and just do what we feel we need to do. So, here's to sanity. May it never be too close for comfort.
B
Friday, 23 July 2004
My dog
Okay. So this entry will consist of discussing my dog. I'm sure not everyone likes dogs, but, oh well.
I have a 6 year old, sable colored, German Shepherd named Brooke. When my ex and I were together, we were subletting an acreage just southeast of the city from some friends of his. When the friends came back, they decided to let us take over the lease, but needed a place to whelp a litter. When the litter was born, they gave me Brooke as a thank you for letting them use the property. So, I guess you could say that I've had her since birth.
All dogs have their own quirky little habits. Much the same way that people do. It's these little things that make them so endearing.
On the acreage, the landlord kept a hobby farm. He had goats, chickens, ducks, sheep, and bees. All things that Brooke loves to chase. However, the only thing that she'd ever kill was the bees. As far as everything else was concerned, she was content to run back and forth in front of the fence and "play tag".
On several occasions, the sheep would find a way out of the fence and wind up grazing by the road. So, out I come with Brooke in her tracking harness and herd them back in. She was really good at herding especially since she'd never been trained in it.
Normally, Shepherds are slough hounds anyway. But most dogs don't like being sprayed with water. Brooke, on the other hand, loves it.
When she was a puppy, I didn't want her to be afraid of anything. One day we were outside and I was watering the garden. I decided to take the spray nozzle and make a game out of her chasing the water. Hey, cats will chase a light on the floor why wouldn't the same thing apply to dogs?
I started out with quick little burst of water in front of her until I knew that she found this to be kind of fun. Then, I moved up to small little serpentines and then full scale ones. This worked really well. A little too well. After a while, I couldn't pick up the hose without her barking at me. She kept wanting me to spray her in the face. When you finally would, she'd try to bite the water. I dropped the hose, she'd go over, pick it up, and drag the nozzle over to me.
This gets tiring after a while. So now she has her own sprinkler. I picked up a cheap one at the dollar store. She loves to run through it and will occasionally stop to "bite" the water that comes out. When she's not doing that, she's wading in her pool.
Okay. I know most of you are thinking that I'm nuts. Which is true. But, if you saw her doing all of this, you'd laugh your ass off. The only thing that gets to be annoying is that now I can't even shovel snow with her around. She tries to jump up and catch it.
She also has this thing about flying insects. Bees, wasps, hornets, and flies in particular. Maybe it's the sound that they make, but she feels the need to not only chase them away but bark at them. I'm not a fan of bees, having been stung many times. So, she takes care of them for me.
Usually we get a period in the summer that is really bad for flies. This one evening, I had left on the outside light at the front door. Of course, this attracted all the bugs in the area. When I opened the door to let Brooke out, about 30 big flies came rushing in. I then spent the next hour as the Great White Fly Hunter just so I could get some sleep. I knew that if even one survived, she'd go nuts all night trying to catch it.
She's got alot of other things to her personality. She's the only dog that I have ever seen climb a chain link fence. She has allergies (which most people never believe). She's also spoiled rotten.
I've never been married and I don't have any kids. So she's kind of like my little girl. She has her own seat belt for long trips. Which is a good idea anyway. You buckle yourself up, why not your pet. Due to her allergies, she sometimes breaks out in hives and literally chews off some of her fur when she's itchy. It's for that reason that she has her own snowsuit for the wintertime.
One day, I'd like to get a motorcycle with a sidecar just for Brooke. She loves car rides as it is, so why not a motorcycle. Then I'll have to buy her the W.W. 1 flying ace helmet and goggles. Not to mention the leather jacket with "Biker Bitch" written on the back. I'll buckle her in and we'll head off for wherever.
B
Thursday, 22 July 2004
Awnings and wind DON'T mix
I sometimes get frustrated when a task or job doesn't go my way. Not always. But it's usually when doing a very simple task. I chalk this up to genetics. My dad is a prime example.
I don't know where it comes from, but whenever my dad is doing something there's usually difficulty and injury involved. He used to bang the same spot on his head on the same side of the barn every day until he dug out the pen a little. And every single time, he swear, yell, and scream and threaten to take a chainsaw to the roof.
Fortunately for me, I've learned to control my temper much better than he ever will. However, it still gets away from me sometimes. Like when you're setting up an awning in the wind. By yourself. Awnings and wind don't mix. Especially when you're by yourself. At least for me they don't.
I was having a squad party at my place one day. Because it was fairly sunny and the yard wasn't really shaded, I thought it would be a good idea to set up the awning. I had purchase it at Zeller's for about $100. Not a bad deal. It's one of those one's that has a stand and is about 10' wide and 14' long. Once set up, there's about 12' of clearance underneath.
So, here I am. Beautiful, sunny day with a slight breeze. My dog and I are outside and I decide that I can set this thing up myself. It's not really difficult (join pole A and pole B, etc.). Wrong! The STUPID wind kept catching everything. Finally, I got the frame set up. Then came the task of putting the canvas on. Should be simple considering the frame is done, right? OF COURSE NOT!!! Why would it be simple?!
It's been about 2 hours. The awning takes a grand total of about 20 minutes to set up under NORMAL conditions. I'm so frustrated at this point, I'm swearing and yelling at the awning (Wonderful thought, yelling at an inanimate object. Like I'm going to hurt it's feelings.). But my stubborn streak will not allow me to give in. I must conquer the awning or die trying.
After another 30 minutes of swearing, I've had it. I'm so fed up at this point that I start launching poles through the air. My poor dog, in the meantime, figured I'd lost it and went to hide in the kennels. Poles, canvas, rope, and pegs went all over the yard.
I went into the house, had a beer and tried to calm down. It took me about 30 minutes before I would go outside to pick up the mess that I had made. Since then, I never set up the awning on my own. Too hazardous for the awning and my sanity.
B
Monday, 19 July 2004
Trust your local weatherman (or person), if you dare
As you know, we've been experiencing some really unusual weather up here in Alberta.
I remember when I was a kid that tornadoes in Alberta only occurred maybe once every 50 years. Now it's a regular occurence.
It snows from October to at least the end of April. And the summer usually isn't something that one would call warm. Basically, if hell froze over, we'd be right at home.
But the last several years, we've been having really strange heatwaves and rain storms. For about 2 or 3 weeks, it was really hot up here. Around 30 degrees C. (not sure what that is in F.). Then we had rain for about 2 1/2 weeks straight. My garden was completely flooded over. And then just this last weekend, we had a really bad rain/hail storm. Of course everyone has heard about the flooding of West Edmonton Mall. Parts of the roof collapsed.
Then, just this morning, they were taking about the rain in the east. There was one house where the water was 8 feet high in the basement. Beats the hell out of anyone up here.
So, with all of this going on, they ask the experts. The guys who study all of this stuff. Their brilliant answer: I don't know. Beats the heck out of me.
In my world, things run much more smoothly (This is based on the assumption that I would be able to control the weather). It's nice during the day...sunny, slight breeze. That kind of stuff. Then between about 1:00 am and 3:00 am, there's a really good, hard rain. Just enough to water everything. Perfect as far as I'm concerned.
Well, lots more planned in my world. Fill you in on how I would deal with people who illegally park later. There's fire involved, so it's kind of neat!
B
Posted by brookside10 at 6:01 PM MDT
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Updated: Tuesday, 20 July 2004 8:34 AM MDT
Ahhhh...the land of dreams
What would I do if I came into a gazillion dollars? Obviously apart from the usual stuff, what about the rest of my time?
Well, if I wanted to completely check out of reality, I think I would have a French Shallop built. Then sail around the "Spanish Main" with a crew of well-meaning misfits and play pirate all day. Not actually DO anything. Just hang out and do whatever. And it would be cool 'cause I'd get to have a sword (hee, hee).
Another option would be to buy a nice, quiet little piece of the Caribbean. There'd be no tv, no phone, nothing. Just peace and quiet as I lay in a hammock with a cold fruity pina colada while being fanned by a tall, dark, and handsome non-English speaking "cabana boy". You know. The kind who would feed me peeled grapes and what-not.
As you can tell, a lot of thought has gone into both of these propositions.
Well, back to the land of dreams.
This weekend, I've decided it's about time to get off my lazy butt and finish the yard. My brother and I bought a place in December and, being winter, we weren't able to do anything to the yard until Spring. We discovered, after the snow melted, that the back steps weren't attached to the house. This became quite apparent to me as I stepped on the top step and slid down the side of the house.
Anyhow, we finally built a deck and managed to get one coat of stain on it before it started to rain for 3 weeks.
So now I have all of this yard work that I've made for myself, plus various other building projects. Ever notice how one project turns into twenty very quickly?
For instance, I have a cabinet that I built for all of my tools. Yeah, I have tools. When you're raised by your father, you learn about that kind of stuff.
Anyway, when I moved, I left the cabinet at my old place because there was nowhere to put it. A few weeks ago, my brother and I picked it up and brought it home. Instead of just setting it up, I decided that the best way to level it was take it apart. I had built it in 2 sections for easier moving.
We dug out an area in the grass and put down a cement sidewalk block so that it wouldn't be sitting on the bare ground. Of course, it has to be level. Then, I took the cabinet apart, washed it, put it back together and nailed a couple of skids on the bottom. Then, I sealed all of the joints. Of course, we had to re-adjust the hasp on the front so we could lock it.
After all of that, which took us about 3 hours, I decided that I wanted to put a roof on it. This thing is about 7 feet tall, 4 feet deep and 3 feet wide. So it's fairly large. Currently, it has a flat roof which means the rain sits on the top. I started building and ran out of nails. GREAT! JUST #$?/* GREAT!!!! So now I need nails. It's also been sitting in the sun for a couple of years, so it needs a new paint job. More paint to buy. Then, it started raining. Well, screw it. I was pooped anyway. We also built the deck that day.
Basically, a project that should have taken me 15 minutes is lasting a life time. It's like the time that I decided to refinish my parents old dining room table set. It took me 5 months. Next time, I'll have someone else do it.
Unfortunately, it was so hot out that all I did was cut the grass. I ended up spending the rest of the weekend sitting in front of the fan trying to stop from melting. So much for a productive weekend.
B
Posted by brookside10 at 4:01 AM MDT
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Updated: Monday, 19 July 2004 9:37 AM MDT
Friday, 16 July 2004
A little laughter to bring you into the weekend
I thought this was hilarious. Thought I'd start the weekend off with a little joke.
B
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oooooooh, Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling,
"Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Family...too bad we can't choose them sometimes
I'm not one to say that my family is the greatest or the worst. I just think we're nuts and sometimes a little helpless. Like my sister. She phones me up, at work I might add, to ask my advice. Is it life-altering? Earth-shattering? NO. Me: Hello, workplace. Sister: Hello? Is this B's handy help line? Me: What did you break? Sister: Nothing. I just need your expertise. Me: What did you break? Sister: How do you paint a door? Me: WHAT?! Get some paint and put it on. What do you mean how do you paint a door? Sister: Should I clean it and how do I paint it? Then we got into a discussion about taking the door off the hinges. Hey, good idea my sister figures. I also mention removing all of the hardware. Hey, no having to worry about paint getting all over anything. As I am supposed to be at work doing work things, she then proceeds to go into detail about her new job. In between taking phone calls and other things, I'm somewhat listening to her going on about her life. Finally, I end the call. She phones back. Sister: Something happened. Me: What did you do? Sister: I think I may have screwed something up. It's all blotchy. Me: What do you mean it's all blotchy? Sister: I put alot on right away and tried to smooth it out. Is that right? Me: You're painting a door that was only ever stained once. It'll soak up a lot of paint, especially in some areas. Let it dry for about an hour and do another coat. Basically what I'm saying is, "I'll probably be over later to fix it.". I know my sister means well and I appreciate the fact that she comes to me for advice. But, this is also the same sister who started asking ME for marital advice when I was 15. Sometimes, she's not exactly stable. I tried to explain to her once that letting my 15 year old niece's loser boyfriend move in was a bad idea. Hey, I tried to be the good aunt. She got mad. When she gets mad, she internalizes. Gets really quiet and doesn't say much to the person she's mad at. Then, she pretends that everything is fine and she's not offended with what you've just told her. It's like her trying to get me to go to church. It doesn't matter to me what anyone else believes, but I'm just not into the church thing. You could wake up one day and believe that your dining room chair is your God and you wanted to worship it. Whatever floats your boat. Doesn't matter. I don't want to go and she's offended by this. But according to my sister, if you're not Christian you're going to hell. I always bug her and tell her that I'll be in good company and finally warm. Besides, I was never baptized so my ticket in is assured. Then she pressures me and I tell her that I have more respect for monks who spend their entire lives climbing up that temple (you know the ones who have to decifer the meaning in the pictographs) than I do most Christians. And why do they do it? Enlightenment. But, that's just my opinion. I'm sure there are alot of very upstanding, God-fearing people out there who are wonderful and would disagree with me. And that's okay. So, with that, I shall bid all adieu (for today at least). B
Posted by brookside10 at 5:01 AM MDT
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Updated: Sunday, 14 June 2015 7:09 PM MDT
Thursday, 15 July 2004
Does anyone ever really get what is going on?
Welcome to the philosophical part of the show, ladies and gentlemen. I'm usually not like this in the mornings, but I haven't had my daily dose of caffeine. I've been sitting here thinking (and no, it doesn't hurt). What is really going on? What the hell is it all about? Some days, actually most lately, I really want to find myself a nice quiet little island in the Caribbean, make like Gilligan, and forget the world for a while. No phone calls, no taxes, no nothing. Just peace and serenity with a little rum drink mixed in for the fun of it (or three or twelve). I'm resigned to the fact that I'll probably never win the lottery or strike it rich inventing the first automatic whatchamacallit. Instead I'll be some 85 year old with arthritis and a bad hip working at the McDonald's drive-thru in the mornings just support myself. I say this because I'm a little frustrated with life right now. It seems like just when you find the light at the end of the tunnel, someone builds on an extension. Every now and then, I get to that point in my life and I question everything that I've ever done and not done. It's kind of like a review of my life. Rehashing all of my mistakes and shortcomings. I gotta stop doing this! But the funny thing is that I keep all of this stuff inside me. And when I get an idea in my head I usually stick with it. But it will take me a long time to make the decision (depending on what it is). If it's a question of whether to have chicken or ribs for dinner, no big deal. But when it comes to life altering choices, I'm more cautious now. For example, still on my own. Still rediscovering my identity once again. But, what I am waiting for? I know that the tall, dark and handsome that I'm looking for probably doesn't exist. And most guys are threatened by strong, intelligent, independent women. But I can't see why any guy would want to go out with a bubblehead. What girl is interesting if all she does is worry about her manicure or her hair? A woman can still be feminine while wearing a tool belt. I will leave you with some happier words, though. After reading them, I feel a little better. B. HERE IS SOME GOOD ADVICE! If a dog were the teacher you would learn stuff like: a. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. b. Never pass up an opportunity to go for a joyride. c. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. d. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. e. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. f. Take naps. g. Stretch before rising. h. Run, romp, and play daily. i. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. j. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. k. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. l. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. m. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. n. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends. o. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. p. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. q. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. r. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. s. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
Wednesday, 14 July 2004
Climbing out of obscurity...sort of.
So, as I said, I have no claim to fame. Other than my many bad decisions that I have made in my life time. I did, at one time, have quite a following in my own little world.
I was a dancer for a few years. Now, before I get flooded with comments about strippers, I was not, nor have I ever been, a stripper (although, I am pretty hot). I was a Latin/Ballroom Dancer. And quite good, if I do say so myself.
My partner and I did a number of shows around Alberta. Granted, Alberta isn't the big mecca that it appears to be (ha,ha). But, I had my share of admirers. It was kind of nice, actually. I can really see how some people can get used to the adulation that comes with being a star.
Anyhow, due to financial reasons (I was broke), I decided to stop dancing and get, heaven forbid, a real job (gasp!). So, now I really miss dancing. But that's okay, because I'm back into acting (which is really what I wanted to do anyway).
So, now here I am. I have an agent who really doesn't do much except tell me that there aren't any parts I'm "right for" at the moment. Hence, I am stuck doing community theater. Which is okay, because I love live theater. And, let's face it, the only thing that's really filming in Alberta is Brokeback Mountain and a few MOW's. There's only so much self promotion I can do.
The theater I'm with is really good. It's something to start in and get some experience. I haven't been on the stage in years, so it's really exhilarating. I'm usually the only one back stage at the tech rehearsal wanting to know if we can do a extra few weeks!
But, now I've been chosen to direct the next show. This is an avenue that I haven't yet explored and I'm really nervous. I've never really been nervous before. At least not to this extent. I guess it's just that if it flops, it's on my head, name, and reputation.
I'd like to know if anyone else has had a similar experience. What are the essentials of being a good director?
Posted by brookside10 at 3:10 PM MDT
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Updated: Thursday, 15 July 2004 8:38 AM MDT
So, what gives?
I suppose I should start out by saying that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. So, bear with me as I figure this out.
I decided to start this blog after recently discovering that blogs actually exist (see, I told you I have NO idea what I'm doing). I needed an avenue in which to vent and express myself. Sometimes, venting to complete strangers offers more insight than venting to people you've known your entire life.
Take family for instance. My sister, or as I sometimes call her, "the vacuum", is always going on about something. I say vacuum because after dealing with her problems, you feel like the life has been sucked out of you.
Well, this one day in particular, she called me up and it sound really urgent. Something about the car not being there and whatever. Anyway, I, being concerned that the car was stolen or maybe re-possessed, rush over not giving a rat's ass about the fact that I has only about $2.00 worth of gas in the tank and maybe no way to get home. I show up and all she wanted was to ask my advice on whether to apply for a new job.
Obviously, the car was still there and there was really no sense of urgency in the situation what-so-ever. And this bit of advice couldn't be given out over the telephone.
So, here I am with a site that allows my to not only get a few things off my chest, but to pass along some of the crazy things that happen in my mixed up world. I'll start off with one. I'm going to cite an example from my family. They're the craziest people I know. And that's saying ALOT!
My sister and her husband live on an acreage outside of town. The property isn't large or anything, but it has a mechanic's shop on it for my brother-in-law. The house is a disaster in every sense. Not only is a REALLY, REALLY, old double wide trailer, but it was built on a cinder block foundation. Which, during Canadian winters, is not the best option. It leaks like a sieve. And, the rest of it would provide enough work put a constractor's kids through college/university.
Anyway, my 10 year old niece was home and had gone into the bathroom. Being like most 10 year olds, she forgot to turn the light off. The light was also connected to the bathroom fan (which, at the best of times, really didn't work). She then went down to the shop to visit her Dad and quickly got bored and went back to the house.
As she opened the door, smoke poured out of the house. She quickly jumped on her bike and told her Dad (who was still at the shop). The shop is a good 500 yards from the house. A long way to go for, as I affectionately call him, a fat-guy. Of course, he feels that it's smarter to run up to the house sans fire extinguisher. Luckily, his buddy has the forsight to not only call the fire department and take something to extinguish the fire, but to drive up to the house (laughing all the way as he watched my 280 lb. brother-in-law running and having a coronary).
So, the fire gets put out and the fire department arrives to finish the job. I call my sister, just a weekly check in, and she nonchalantly tells me, "Oh, we had a fire. And now we don't have any water because the pipes burst."
Only in my family. Just enough to piss you off and wonder who the voodoo witch doctor was that put the evil curse on you, but not enough to be really life shattering.
How about you? What's your crazy story?
Posted by brookside10 at 1:02 PM MDT
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Updated: Wednesday, 14 July 2004 1:03 PM MDT
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